Dating at any age can be a frustrating and daunting experience. However, dating in your mid-thirties, is a whole different level of confusion! When you’re in your twenties, dating is fun and exciting! You’re at the age where you’re coming into your adulthood and the idea of meeting new people, traveling and posting a hot pic for the Gram’ is top priority. The vibes you have about yourself are typically at an all-time high and it’s your mission to not allow anyone to kill it! As age thirty approaches, dating begins to transition for some. The focus of casual fun and non-commitments takes on a new version of meaningfulness and purposefulness. Now, it’s your time and energy that are a significant and anyone who means to waste it, may find themselves on the “Be blocked and blessed” list in your phone.
Dating for me in both my twenties and thirties, has been a rollercoaster of events. When my last relationship ended in 2015, I took some much needed time to heal and restore. I had to relearn myself as I’d lost the essence of who I was, which is something I’ve learned happens often to women who are in relationships. We often take on the personality traits and habits of our partners forgetting the small, intricate details of ourselves. Something as simple as your favorite television show or most enjoyable meal, can easily fall prey to what you and your partner’s favorite show and meal is. That’s where I found myself. Dazed and confused with heartbreak, as well as hungry because I refused to eat what I used to with my ex!
Getting back into the dating game after being out of it for five years, proved to be difficult. It wasn’t that I had a lack of male suitors, because they were definitely present. However, the quality of them was dreadful! I quickly found that everything was surface. There was no depth to them, their lives or what they wanted from it. I told myself that in my thirties, I’d be more intentional about what I was looking for, but it seemed that the more focused I became, the more rubbish came my way. No one I was meeting was ready or willing to be anything more than “Mr. Right Now.” All the while still holding onto the hope that my person was out there and when we did finally meet, things would be kismet!
Fast forward to present day. I’m thirty-five, still single and nothing has been kismet. Meeting men who aren’t already married, have a girlfriend, copious amounts children with the same amount of mothers for them, have a job, who aren’t afraid of commitment, not an alcoholic or don’t resemble Al Bundy, seems to be asking for too much. So it begs the question – are my standards too high? Do I lower what I know I deserve to be able to meet anyone that has a pulse? For me, the answer is no. Listen, I know that I’m a catch! I truly believe that anyone who’s ready to be serious with me will thank their lucky stars that our paths crossed. However, it’s the wait for said paths to intersect that is the hardest. You begin to question yourself. You begin to compare. “Why is it so easy for others to find love and not me?” is a question I’ve asked myself often. I’ll be honest in saying that in many ways I have become jaded to love and ever finding it. That sometimes it seems easier to just rock-out alone and save myself the hassle and grief of possibly being disappointed again.
So, what’s a thirty-five year old, single black woman in the Queen City to do? Well, I share my experiences with other women. I share the highs and lows of the dating game and what I’ve quickly learned is that I’m not alone! There are other women like me who are frustrated, but understand like me that the creation of a diamond takes time. That is how I like to think of my future partner, whomever it may be – a diamond. For just like a diamond, it takes time and pressure to create it and when this diamond is ready, I’ll have a full understanding of what it took for it to come into creation. So ladies, give it another shot! Remember that just because something didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Take this alone time to get real and candidly honest with yourself by asking, “What is it that I truly desire from another individual?” When you can answer this without faltering, you’ll know that you’re ready to go from one to a duo. Move slow. Take your time. Allow your new found strength to guide you and when you hear someone say, “Girl, there are plenty of fish in the sea!” Just smile, because you’ll already know the truth. That it may have pee in it.
