Do you remember that song “What About Your Friends?” from the 90s by TLC? One of the lyrics asks something that I think is very poignant and many people don’t ask themselves enough –
“What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?”
I’ll be very candid in saying that I believe that the word “friend” is used very loosely nowadays. We have friends everywhere it seems! At work, the gym, even on social media we add people that are entitled friends. But, do these people know YOU? Better yet, I think the proper question is do YOU know these people? Giving someone the title as friend is important. It means that this person has deemed themselves worthy to play an active role in your life and vice versa. You share important details and interests with them and allow them a seat to witness the ever-changing, sometimes crazy journey that you’re on and if you’re really lucky, they’ll carve a path right beside you as you travel the path that you’re on. When I see girl trip photos or captions that read “Bestie” on Instagram, I often wonder are they really?! Or, are they just someone that brings you joy and good vibrations when you’re in their company? For me, there is a very distinct difference between someone who is a friend and simply someone you just know of.
So, it begs the question – have you ever taken inventory of the people you call friends in your life? A few years ago, I heard something from my favorite spiritual teacher Iyanla Vanzant. She said that once a year, she does an appraisal on the people and things in her life. She stated that she reflects on how the people that she engages with rather that be family, friends or people in business are adding to her growth as an individual and upon review if she finds that they’ve taken more than they’ve given, she decides if they’re someone the deserves continued access to her or if she needs to reevaluate that relationship. When I heard this, it was revolutionary for me! The knowing that I get to decide who plays a part in my life and act accordingly, empowered me in a way I hadn’t felt before and took the blinders off of my eyes to see people and things for what they were and not what I was hoping they’d be. I’ve been doing my own appraisals on people that I considered friends each year and discovered a hard truth. That many weren’t friends, they were simply people I knew but weren’t aiding me in my personal, emotional or spiritual growth and for me, these are key components to what a friend is in your world to do.
I’ve been very blessed in the men and women I considered friends. They each play an active and integral role in my life. They support me through my struggles and applaud me in my wins. I call them my “No People”. They are the people who aren’t afraid to tell me the TRUTH. They tell me what I need to hear while loving me through the lessons I need to learn. They are the folks that hold me to my word, but will shake and flip a few tables if my name and honor is being disrespected. I don’t allow myself to get swept into the whirlwind of “Yes People”. Those are the people who will sit by and watch you make horrible decisions while smiling at you like you didn’t just take back your cheating ex for the 15th time! Nope! Yes Folk will have you out in these streets with lipstick on your teeth and toilet paper on your shoe and all the while hyping your confidence up like you’re America’s Next Top Model. I’ve had personal experiences with people like this. It seemed as if during the times I was spiraling or wasn’t as confident, their loyalty to what I perceived was friendship, wasn’t. In fact, it was very self-serving – for them. In friendships, the sweets come with the sours and I’ve had my fair share of Hellos and Goodbyes with those I considered my homegirls. I’ve learned that friendships go through phases. One minute, you’re texting each other daily and meeting up at happy hours and the next you’re being left on read and happy hours don’t include you. Many times, these things are unintentional and apologies are swift, but sometimes you both drift. You drift to experience other friends and to learn from them what friendships may look like, because they aren’t one size fits all. I won’t lie. Ending a friendship is just like ending a relationship, because it is one. You go through the many phases of grief and the ish hurts. It hurts bad! But, once you’re in a place to reflect, you realize that friendship wasn’t a healthy one. A healthy friendship is built on the foundation of trust, understanding, boundaries and then love. If one of those is missing, that friendship won’t last long. In any relationship, you have to be honest in what you need and in turn allowing them to express what they need from you. For any friendship to remain healthy, it has to be give and take and if you find you’re giving more than you’re getting or vice versa, that’s not a friendship. It’s more like a business partnership.
Having friends is an amazing thing and oftentimes your friends become an extension of siblings and family members. These are the people who hold you when you’re having a meltdown (I’ve had many) and will kick you in the butt when you need it. I read in a book once that friendships are like trees. You have your leaves that will fall with any brisk breeze, your branches that are flimsy and can’t withstand any true pressure, your trunk that seems solid but when the tornados of life come through they’ll falter and then you have your roots. The roots are there for the long haul. No matter the wind, pressure or tornadoes, they’re not going anywhere! If you’re blessed to have one or two roots in your life, know that not only do you have a real friendship, you have someone that will grow through life with you and both of you will form amazing fruit to share because of it.
