Have you ever been around another woman and thought to yourself “What pod did she come from?!” Not calling into question that she was human, but from your viewpoint it seemed like she had it all together. You find yourself blankly staring at her and saying to yourself “How is it humanly possible the way this person does all she does on a daily basis and has not either been committed to the nearest psychiatric ward or the leading headline on the 11 o’ clock news?” I’ve been lucky enough to know quite a few women like this and I’m always in awe of their ability to transition from task to task with ease and grace. It’s like watching an Olympic synchronized swim. With every Backstroke, Knight and Flamingo position, they hop from one responsibility to the next without missing any techniques. For someone who sometimes struggles with the smallest details and sudden shifts, being around women like can leave you feeling one of two ways: Inspired or Disheartened.
When I was in my early 20s, I was at a church holiday gathering with my family and other members. Just a little backstory, my family is pretty much the only Black family in the church I’ve attend since I was 11 years old. There’ve been a few more families of color that have attended, but mine remains the constant. I’ve know the pastor and his wife for YEARS. Both have truly become close friends and confidants for my family and I as we’ve all navigated the many shifts life has bestowed. While mingling, eating and taking photos with the guy who dresses up as Santa each year, I remember zoning in on the pastor’s wife. This maybe 5’2, slim, brunette white woman who was dressed in her holiday’s best and working the room like she was up for an award! Not a hair was out of place. Clothes pressed like she took an old school hot-comb to it, attentive and friendly to everyone in her path. However, that’s not what caught me. It was that she was the mother of four kids, two of which were twins and one of them was losing his actual sh*t as she was walking around and greeting people, passing out cookies and chiming in on any holiday carol that someone began to hum. All the while, her husband the Pastor, was oblivious to the mayhem embarking not even two feet away! Her husband has always been her biggest cheerleader and pushing her to achieve whatever dreams she had. Even as his wife, she had her own full-time career, friends, interests and hobbies that weren’t intertwined with his. She didn’t allow the quintessential title of “Pastor’s Wife” to dim her light. She took on her responsibilities as a wife, mother and community server but found a way to create her own lane that was separate from everything else. I found this to be so dope! She was truly her own person and I began asking myself another question – “With all the many different versions she has to be, how is she able to remain authentically true to herself?”
Some years later, I received a text message from the “Air Walker” as I dubbed her and she asked me to accompany her to a group she and a few other ladies had formed called the “Fermented Wine Corkers” and as a wine lover, I was all too eager to come along! She and I would ride together and just talk about life and everything that was happening in ours. From our jobs to my lackluster dating life, she always had a thought-provoking yet funny word to share with me. Hearing her speak from a different perspective propelled me to start looking at myself that way as well. It was about the fourth car ride on our way to meet with the other ladies that I told her that I really enjoyed hanging out with her and that I was unsure of first coming when asked, because I didn’t think we really had much in common. She chuckled and said, “What made you think that?” In my brutal yet always kind honesty I replied, “Well, for obvious reasons. You’re a white woman who is married to a Pastor, you have four kids and responsibilities that I’m sure would make my head spin.” She asked me, “Is that all you see?” I was caught off guard by her quick rebuttal and she repeated, “Is that all you see when you see me?” That question made me stop dead in my tracks because up until that point that is what I saw. She smiled and reassured me that she wasn’t dismayed, yet wanted to share with me how there is so much more to her than that. She told me that my thoughts of her were limiting to the totality and divinity of who and what she was. She expressed to me that she was the things that I’d mentioned, but those weren’t the full extent of her life. She shared with me stories of who she was prior to marriage and children. She told me about the challenges she faced as a kid who moved around a lot because of her parent’s job and how hard it was to sometimes make connections with people because she didn’t know how long those relationships would last before they’d have to move again. She told me about the people from her past that weren’t always kind to her and how she struggled with anxiety and speaking up for herself. She even expressed to me how she has battled bouts of depression in the past and how she constantly has to do self-check-ins with herself to make sure she’s not putting too much on her plate of life.
Well, hell! Who would have thought this chick had issues! Almost like she was “normal”. Then it hit me. She is! She’s as normal as anyone else. In fact, she’s normal like me. What became just a car ride to kick it with other lushes, became mini therapy sessions with a woman I began to see through different lenses and these lenses revealed to me what I think many women struggle with and that’s this paramount understanding and knowing – That who and what we are is enough. What she and other women, sometimes unbeknownst to them, have shown me is that as a woman, I’m ever-changing. That who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow and that no matter the version of myself I am at that moment, I’m still deserving of love and respect. I’ve learned from her that the journey to find one’s true, authentic self doesn’t always come in one chapter, as your life is a series of chapters and short stories and depending on the characters, setting and plot, you may discover a version of yourself that shocks even the worldliest authors! I pay attention to how she holds a mirror up to her own life and depending on the reflection that stares back, makes appropriate changes, both internally and externally when necessary. My level of understanding her has grown along with the respect I have for her. As I continue on my own personal journey of self-discovery and authenticity, I take chapters from her book and allow them to remind me that I too have a divinity and power within that is much deeper and profound than what meets at the physical surface.
As I stay taking classes at the incomparable School of Life, I’m reminded that internal and direct happiness is an all-inclusive, inside job. There comes a time when we as women have to strip down and bare exactly who we are; as unflattering and jarring as it may be because it is in our vulnerability we find what makes us strong and allows us to connect with others that may not look, sound or move through life exactly the way we do. We have to remember that women are born with invisible capes that accentuate our already unbelievable strength, but every so often we have to hang ours up for rest or like the “Air Walker” told me, “Allow another woman to push air your way so you two can fly together”.
